Yet Another Step in My Life

This is my Matt, snuggling with Snickers, or rather she is with him, she's so cute. 

He's a sleepy boy after a long day at the police academy :)

Okay, so clearly this is just me journaling about what's up now, I've slacked greatly on this, but, c'est la vie. So, Kevin, clearly, is no longer my boyfriend. That backstabbing so called "friend" of mine, Rachel, wormed her way in. They aren't dating, but she just totally stole my spot. What makes me happy from all of this is that Kevin misses me like hell, I can tell and now that we are in school every time he sees me he hangs with me and wants me to follow him. Yeah, that's right, realize what you messed up. Well, more like remember why we were best friends, remember the good times BEFORE that slut walked in and you let her take my spot. ANY WAY, I clearly am not tolerating Rachel any more, she stepped all over my and went behind my back at the wrong time, she did it right after I decided to live for myself and not let any one do those sorts of things to me any more....soooo she's stuck on my bad list. And she knows what she did is wrong because she hides from me every time we unfortunately are in the same area.
Any way, on to greener pastures. SO we broke up part way through Summerfest and it made me even more bummed because I was surrounded by all these couples doing fun stuff, and it sucked that even when I did have a boyfriend it didn't feel like it. But Summerfest was definitely a distraction in itself, I was there almost everyday, except for one, and worked or saw a few shows and hung out with my Kaykaw.

Then comes the FUN part...moving back in with my parents. So, August came and the lease was up, I was back at home. Tis the place I am typing from. 

The good points: INTERNET, cable, food, no rent, and my dogs. 

The bad points: SO MUCH FREEDOM LOST!!! I am farther from my school, so back to hour long commutes everyday, I am away from a lot of my college friends, away from that beautiful neighborhood, and no more easy pretty walks to the beach when ever I felt like it :( OH and have I mentioned yet my family? NOW I love them, and half of the time I don't mind being here at all, but the other half, and lately more like 70% of the time Dante is being a total obnoxious jerk to me out of no where, trying to do anything in his power to tick me off and get me in trouble, Luis was kind of like that as well, though he's starting to go back to normal, my parents like to treat me like I am 15 again...but that is kind of sort of starting to die down...at least every once in a while. LE SIGH, what ever.

I wish I could have a job, I really need money for school supplies and so I can actually go out with friends and my boyfriend and not feel like shit cause I can't pay for anything or feel stupid sitting there starving while they eat haha. I'm saving the little bit I have left for this weekend to try and cover all of saturday :) I can't wait to hang out with my other wife, Sarah-boo and her new boo, who I will be meeting for the first time. As well as Sarah's sister Michelle and of course, my soulless ginger shark Matt will be with us. It will be a beautiful mass of intense nerds and freaks, so much so that the universe will more than likely implode, so prepare yourself world!
Any who, so here's the DL on this MATT KID

This kid confuses me, confounds me, perplexes and bemuses me. Matt ughh!!! I really like you, and I hate that sometimes, some times...you really make me feel a good bit of love for you. That sometimes, like this morning, when I woke up and squirmed over the to your side of the couch and just curled into you, knowing it was you, I just thought, I love you. And I hate it. Because I know how love feels, I know how it feels to think you are so in love that nothing on earth matters, that that has to be it....then to feel it crash all around you and splinter into nothing. How terrifying that is, and how painful it is to see the other in so much pain...to find out that what you thought you had was nothing, or at least, not the love you had hoped for, had believed in. I know how it feels to love someone with everything you've got in your heart, because, and I know you'll hate this, but because I love Will so damn much, he's my closest friend, by best friend, my twin, he may be behind on how my mind is working right now, but I'll always, as long as he'll allow me, be here for him, he'll always know what I'm thinking and he'll always understand, some how, my insane mind and heart. He was the first to make me not feel all alone...he did it better than my ex-fiancee. And for this, I love him more than anyone. I know how it feels....how twisted and confusing love can be, and this sounds so stupid coming from a girl who isn't even 21 yet, but, then again, I've always been pretty wise, or perceptive beyond my years. Not to mention I've learned so much in just a few short years. You're fucking things up for me Matt...Kevin was perfect, he was a no pressure, more than likely not going to last boyfriend, even though, after a while, I really hoped that maybe that would be proven wrong. This is how I saw it in my head after my breakup with Kevin. If anything, I'd go on a date or two with some one, but that's it. I was single and apparently that's just how I should be. That Will would come back, we'd be us...just...us. I'd slowly and happily corrupt his mind out of missionary mode and we'd just hang, let life take its slow, natural path...and then we'd try...and we'd fail...more than likely because of me, but knowing how we are, we'd still be twins because I don't think we really can live without each other some how in our lives, we are to much alike and fought so damn hard to find some one like ourselves that it would be so damn stupid ro lose that. And, then, after that...I'd give up. Maybe Will and I would live together, being just us...maybe eventually I'd find a way to have children, and adopt. Hell if I know...but I'd be alone, relationship wise, because well, why keep trying? Trying just means more pain, and I don't know how much pain my soul can handle when I feel that it is all my fault, I hate hurting people,seeing them in pain.
Then you walked in, all tall and nerdy. I remember my first damn thought was, "Oh, this is Matt? He's kinda hot, well cute, nah, hot, hm idk...?" And then I just pretty much put it aside and nerded out with you and Kayla, and that was a ton of fun. And then when we started talking on FB, that was fun, still is fun...You were just so damned nice, and made me laugh and smile...and you still do. And it truly pisses me off that you remind me so much of Will, not because of some stupid screwed up reason, but because you've got a kind heart like his, and sometimes, you just say the right things, and you say them because of the person you are, and that we get along pretty darn well, right off the bat...traits of my closest friend. Traits that I love in a person, things that help me to strive to keep the people who are like that in my life. I mean, for pete's sake, I cried to you, and it just felt so easy, I just didn't care, I don't care I should say...and it was nice. You're weird, strange, a total nerd, a ginger (yes I had to say it), sweet, caring, understanding, and I can't help but slip and fall sometimes just because of who you are as a person...how you make me feel. I don't know if it's because regardless of my fears I want to feel love again, I want to feel arms around me that actually want me in them, and that I want all of that good so eagerly that I want to just give in...or if it's just you...but I can't, not yet...my heart knows now that it's way to soon for me to actually let myself do that, at least personally, that and the fact that finding love terrifies me from time to time. Before you I would have said all the time, but you're already changing that for me. I do think sometimes how it would be if we end up together, how interesting our life would be, what things could possibly come, I'm a romantic, I can't help it...I think about how there is a possibility I could fall hard for you...and not care in the least that it happened, that all I'd be is happy...Some times Matthew, some times I feel it, I feel your feelings, I feel who you are so much that you have me...even if it's for a short while. I love you, I do, I love who you are, how you make me feel, hanging out with you, messing with you...but I'm not IN love with you. It's off and on...but I feel that's a good start, that maybe it means something, that it's a good thing...You're a strange one to me, because you weren't supposed to come around for me like you have, but I'm very happy that you did, that you were able to get to me, that you still get to me, that you make me happy and that I'm not afraid to be happy with you. You're a great man, as far as I know, you're working on becoming something, you're moving forward and you aren't stuck in one place, at least outwardly and just that alone is helping my own life. I hope I didn't hurt you, or hurt you to much when you read this and I hope that you can handle my craziness, because you make me hopeful Matt.

This is the 2nd Animation I've Ever Made

"Serious Interpretive Poetry"

You will Always Be Missed...

You aren't even my grandpa, but i love you SO much, I really wish we could have had our "date" I miss you SO much already...but you're in a better place now...a much better one. Though that doesn't make this suck any less. You were like a fill in grandpa for the most part, making me feel loved and accepted even when every one else glared, and you were so funny and nice to me, I don't have any grandpas, havent for a long time, so it was nice. God this sucks, I was thinking about ways to get to your house so you and grandma phinney could tell me all kinds of things, i know i made your day being so interested in your life and the knowledge you possesed, I hate missing out on that...for two weeks you've been on my mind...this hurts so bad, I'm going to miss you for a long time, but I look forward to hopefully being able to see you when I die, then we can have our date haha. I just have to make sure I get to the right place lol You are, not were, are such a kind man, and a good man in my eyes, I know you're in a good place. I love you Grandpa Phinney <3

Ranting Starts NAO!! Complete with Music at the End xD

Okay this probably wont be much of a rant but more like me just writing what ever....just as a warning lol.
I don't know any way, so I have this stupid cough that i got from my mom and my voice is all messed up, some times its understandable, other times its gone...Great timing since my Summerfest job is about to start Wednesday and I work the first day...and 2nd and 3rd..and then I have a wedding to go to with Kevin...OY. I really hope my voice is at least back by Wednesday and that my cough isn't TOO bad.
I really want to write, just write, it's been so long I mean I started to but then,well things changed so that inspiration was gone lol well at least most of it. I'm not going to lie, I'm really afraid that Rachel is going to end up sweeping my Kevin off his feet and I'm going to lose him...and I really really don't want to lose him. She would just bring him up and then tear him down, she's still in love with this one guy, but its unrequited so she's dating around and she is a something my friends and I like to call an emotional vampire, she will use you and use you until you cant handle any more and just seeing her makes you depressed and for some one like myself empathizing with her is more draining than usual. I understand every one needs people to be there for them, and I've been there for her all freshman year, then she had to drop out for her health and I had to focus on not ruining my own school career and life. So I really love the girl, she's a very good person, but I do NOT trust her around my man, she's kind of very boy crazy. and he may not realize it, cause no shit she's not going to tell him that if her eyes are on him. And I trust him...but I can just so easily see him walking away from me...and the way she was looking at me, full of judgement and condescending with eyes full of "hmmm are you really good enough for him? Is he really with you." Now, I probably sound like a jealous girlfriend blowing things out of proportions but what I said about her is true...like I said she used to tell me everything and one of the girls that she still tells everything is very good friends with me and she even doesn't trust her. And yes, I am a bit jealous...I really don't like the thought of her hanging out with him more than I do...cause that's how it has been, as if she has the right to just call him up or text him when ever she wants and occupy all his time as if he is HER boyfriend and like he doesn't have a girlfriend. And THAT, in the girl world, and as a FRIEND...should not be happening, and she fucking knows it...now, when I wasn't sure if she knew we were a couple it was understandable, but I do know now that she does...shoot may even have found out the Friday night after Kevin and I talked. Speaking of Kevin...sadly, some hoe I am totally crushing hard on him...I mean obviously, but I'm not going to lie, I wasn't expecting me to want to fight so hard for him and I trust him more than I ever thought, feel comfortable, and I can just breathe when that boy is around. And that is just something very nice that i've been missing for a good while. I mean Kevin himself even knows he has no idea what he's doing lol and he's right, I'm his first girlfriend and I can tell, but that doesn't bother me, i have patience, but what I would like is to not feel like an after thought, especially to another girl (one I don't trust with men) and to be able to know that my boyfriend actually likes me as more than just a friend that hangs with him all the time and actually wants to be with me. He's such a brat, but I love that I can proudly say that he is MY brat.
And where he acknowledges and appreciates my patience, the poor boy gets to deal with my insecurities. And not going to lie, my insecurities are really bumming me out...I wish that I could just finally get rid of then, or at least the ones that I don't need to have as a security blanket any more, like Kevin said...He isn't Joel....but it's so hard to convince my self to let go of my fears because so many times in the cases that I did get let things go, I ended up needing that tiny bit of a security. I don't know, Im just now starting to learn to get a grip on my own life and start shedding the heavy weight of my depression. It doesn't help that Joel decided that after about 2 months of blowing me off and not talking to me, even when he really should have when it came to something very important, wouldn't stop freaking texting me for a full hour from 2am till 3am and it;s not like I could shut off my phone, it was my alarm and I ended up not getting any sleep and i had to be up early to get to west allis super early to get to my hair appointment and upsetting me like no other. But that is a rant I do NOT want to think about. I am really just done with him. I'll always love that idiot, but I do not need him and the  negativity that usually comes with him.
Yup...time for bed! If any one who actually read this wants to say anything, go for it! lol
Night!

I'll be ending this off with a song by Chris Garneau called "Dirty Night Clowns" it's one of my favorites, the video is kinda creepy though lol BUT I do love the song!!...and the video, but that's cause I love creepy lol.

First Real Hair cut and Dye!!!

This is before ^ btw

and yes my hair is straightened in the first pics lol

Now I love my hair, I do, it naturally get blonde streaks, has dark brown and light brown in it and has a red tint that gets more visible with sun (which is my favorite part) so I'm used to multiple colors on ma hur lol but I really am digging my new hairdo cause now you can't mistake seeing the colors or not!

Oh and it's layered...never had any hair cut but a few trims I've done and my mom had done through out my life.

Practice for my Summerfest Job!!

These are my first attempts at what I'll be doing since the group practice this past Saturday. Keep in mind  it is VERY hard to get thin lines or straight lines, the brushes me have are round tip and fraying as soon as you use them...working on improvements.
The humming bird is one of the designs that will be in the booklet to choose from with a few of my own artistic embellishments. Then my brother Dante wanted a piece of the Ring on his finger (I couldn't get a non-blurry pic of his finger for the life of me :c) and I got that off of the back of a LOTR playing card.
And then the last one I did was on my foot and my own original design! I am SO excited for this job! And so stoked to dress up in 50's style/rockabilly...like it makes my purchases on ModCloth feel even MORE worth it! lol

Please don't rip anything off, being used as a reference is just fine if you want, but I'd really like to not get screwed over :)

I GOT A JOB!! oh and I'm going to Girls Camp!

Well I will be getting up very soon to head off to girls camp! I wish I had more time to write, but I need to shower (and enjoy it as best I can since i wont get a nice one like it again till Sat.) and get to bed.


GAHHH I am SOOO happy!  I'll be drawing temporary tattoos on people at the All Ages Tattoo place for starship at Summerfest with the same kind of ink that they use for "tattoos" on actors in movies, its stays on for about 7-10 days. SO that is what I'll be doing. Jim liked my art work and said I had what he was looking for art wise, I could give the results he was hoping for! lol I am so happy lol


Then when I get back saturday from camp, I'll be heading over to Starship and practicing and such.


Also, I'm still raging about putting together crap to teach my YCL's so they can teach it when I, as a level leader, should NOT be doing that! When I was a YCL, if we didn't know it, we darn well better research it and get help and wing it!


Any ways, gotta go! Good night!




That's me with the "tattoo" practice of one of teh other girls, we had to do knuckle tatts on each other.

                                                         THUG AIM!
                                                                   xP

Some newish? art. The First One is Relatively New for Sure

The first is Zoey:

She is far from finished, I plan on scanning her in and digitally painting her and editing her. Plus, this is a crappy pic I took with my web cam since it has been FAR too long since my last addition.

She didn't start out as fan art but then I was like, why not? So to me she's almost how the character Zoey, from the House of Night series looks in my head, but also borderline of an OC that I'm working on.

I plan on drawing much more with her, but she'll probably stray from the Zoey character. 

The second is the first in an attempted series of sketches illustrating a range of emotions. Can you guess what this one may be?

idk lol there's some art stuff from me.


*all art is mine, Bonita Navarrete, please do not use as your own. If you like any on my stuff enough it'd be cool to know so :D*

14 Different Fragrances! Oy Vey

So this is MY BOUNTY from the big Bath & Body Works sale today. My mom got a lot more hahaha

14 Different Fragrances

-sun-rippened raspberry 

shower gel

-country apple

body splash

shower gel

-pearberry

body splash

shower gel

-night-blooming jasmine

body splash

body lotion

shower gel

-BALi mango

Fragrance mist

-dancing waters

body slash

body splash

body lotion

-rainkissed leaves

body splash

body lotion

-hawaii coconut

fragrance mist

-Fiji passionfruit

fragrance spray

-cucumber melon

triple moisture body cream

body lotion

shower gel

shower gel

shower gel

-lemon hibiscus

shower gel

-butterfly flower

shower gel

-sweet pea

body lotion

-cherry blossom

body lotion

3 Candles

-Strawberry Patch
medium size 
tea light size


-Lilac Blossom
small size

A quite Rippled two Weeks

Well let us see...

The first couple of days were horrible, especially Friday and Monday.

• Friday = bad news left and right. I woke up and was having a pretty great day, I was smiling just because I wanted to! And then I when I got to my parent's house in Stallis I read the email saying I would have to wait till Tuesday instead of that day to find out if I'm still a student at MIAD. Then I got a FUN email from Joel's girlfriend Helen (who btw I like now) that made me stress, well I'm still stressing over it. And upon finding all of that news I had an hour before getting picked up to go to the Girls Camp Overniter to work on organizing everything. So I had to suck it up and put on a mask of happy and try to focus on the people there. Though I will say that seeing some of the girls and their excitement helped me out.
• Monday I told Jakob (aka William- that's his birth name, but because of reasons he wants to change his name) about what Helen sent me and then told him something that I wanted to wait till he was hone to tell him so that way he wouldn't need to worry and I could tell him face to face. And maybe I should have left that part out and waited, but I don't know, I guess I had to or it was the right time...though probably not. And his disappointment and hurt killed me, still is eating at me. But I'm not going to lie a part of me got a flash back to Joel and I's relationship...and I felt like I was being scolded by an owner and being told what to do- which I had said "I'll do anything you say" sooooo IDK but that's just a small part of me. I have this thing were I'll do what I'm told not to do sometimes (my mom says I get it from her) and also because of stories from my mom I'm terrified of controlling relationships- of marrying someone and then them changing into a controlling monster shortly after, like you never really knew them at all. And, to add to the list of WHY a small part of me isn't liking what Jake said back to me is because I'm noticing that now that I've taken a step for myself I've gotten a real taste of freedom and I refuse to be locked back down because I still haven't broken free. Plus Monday was the day my appeal was being judged.

Then as the days went on my confidence started to grow a teensy bit in a few aspects of my life.

• Tuesday was a fluke...it HAD to be. That was the day I was to find out what the school would do with me AND my mom decided that that was the day her, Joe (her IT guy) and I would go shopping for a mac book pro for me (since that was supposed to be my graduation gift about 2 1/2 years ago) and she kept going on and on about how with my school and student discount we could do this and that....All I could think was CRAP. So I constantly checked my email as much as I could before she urged me out the door (keep in mind my parents do not know about this appeal thing) and we got to the Apple store. Eventually we were purchasing and the guy put in my student ID and it looked like he was having trouble....but then it worked and he gave my ID back to me....and I was like THANK GOD (thank you God!). And then as soon as I got back to the house I checked my e-mail and I saw the email I had been waiting for! lol I am registered back in for the fall semester!!! With conditions of course, but HELLS YUS!!!!!!!! 
• So that was TWO great things for Tuesday, and I mean really GREAT things...had to be a fluke.
• Wednesday was very crappy and nerve racking and my mind was mush practically ALL day. But then after about 3 the day got better jamming out to Queen and other great songs with Josh in his car and trollin the malls lol AND I went to Noodles for the first time courtesy of Josh and it was good. Oh! and Panera has my favorite strawberry salad back!!!! lol
• Today is Thursday and my boyfriend, Kevin, bailed on me with going to Downtown Books...not gonna lie I kinda called that lol But, I also have a LOT of camp organizing and such to do before camp starts so what ever lol HIS LOSS. It makes me laugh at how good he is at avoiding things lol *sigh* I do really need to have a talk with him though, in all seriousness. I really let that boy get away with just about anything lol.

SO yeah, that's all I got to say about that

enjoy this link that I've been jamming to, I freakin love this track.

soundcloud.com/djexceed/nu-rave-bangers

I feel like I'm going to hurl

Jakob...I am so, so sorry. You know I will do anything for you, anything you ask. I'm sorry Will...I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you more than any one..."sorry" is no where near enough to show or express my emotions.

Well, shoot...

SO...The appeals viewing got pushed back...so I now have to wait till Tuesday..UGH!! I was supposed to know by today! ...Now my worry for that gets to last longer :c Good things come to those that wait I suppose...I hope.

AND now I've got even MORE crap hitting the fan...I seriously HATE you Joel...like real hate...all of you in my mind is hate minus 1 measly percentage....if YOU were the cause of this...because of your man whore days...and if I get screwed over...yeah that hate will be legitimate. I'm so sick of your lies. Makes me feel SO good knowing that I am really over you, meaning I do NOT want to ever date you again.

Today was SO good, I was walking around feeling great, and excited about the over-niter for Girls Camp...of course something has to come along and shatter my good mood...never fails. OH WELL.
It's still not going to make me lose my sense of control!

My Appeals Letter To MIAD..I have a few personal things that I've only told 4 People in it :/ So this is definitely sincere

I honestly don’t know what to say. I’d much rather be speaking in front of the Academic Appeals Committee and Tony Nowak. It isn’t because I don’t like writing, in fact I love it, writing helps me to think and escape. But, sometimes I feel it hard to write out my emotions the way they need to be conveyed and in this case it would be my sincerity and need to show you that what I say is not just full of meaningless and false excuses.

                In order to make an attempt at explaining why I feel I did so poorly I will try and share a quick back story. My apologies ahead of time if I begin to ramble in places. As I’m sure you can see by looking at my grades from grade school and up I did very well. I’ve worked hard my school career to try and keep an “A”/“B” grade average and tried for “A”s all the time. I’ve been in accelerated classes most of my school life and it is not that I am bragging, by no means am I doing so, I am not the type to do so, honestly I tend to be very hard on myself and never feel good enough. I love to learn, I love to feel my knowledge grow and be able to go somewhere, read something, or see something and know how it works, why it was made, how to perceive it. I enjoy hanging out with people smarter than me in different subjects so I can learn what they can share. All I’ve ever wanted and worked toward was college. I yearned for the knowledge and experience I would gain in college, which ever major I chose. I hated homework most of the time, but was so excited for the challenge of college work, for the thought of working hard in the thing I wanted to do and that made me feel my hard work was worth something. So, even through the depression I was slipping farther and farther into since the age of thirteen, I was able to keep my school life separated from my problems. I was doing fine, I had a system going and then the summer before junior year in high school happened.

                Summer brought to me a boy who for the first time in years brought a real smile to my face, one that I could feel warm through to my soul that lasted more than five seconds. I had someone who actually cared about me. He let me have a chance to show how weak I really was. I have always had to be the strong one to my friends and family, so showing too much weakness I guess scared them or they just didn’t care or think that maybe I need help too. And in this joy of finding someone who made me feel real happiness I was foolish and shoved aside the problems that needed work, healing, I carelessly let my walls go un-attended and crumble to nothing. But, when he was here nothing but feeling happy mattered and I didn’t know what I was doing to myself. The boy, Joel, and I were obviously in a relationship and when the school year came to a start he left for his first year of college two and a half hours away in Platteville. Now, yes I was sad my boyfriend would be so far away and that we’d only see each other maybe a weekend a month, but I knew that this was coming. What I didn’t know or think about once was that as soon as he was out of sight and on his way that everything I had been fighting back and building protective stabilizing walls for would come crashing down on me like a massive black wave. And it did, I remember the shock and the pain, how as soon as he had driven away I dropped to my knees and felt all the warmth and light in me slip away, follow him, like it wasn’t mine to keep and the cold crashed through me and I felt Darkness laugh as its deadly embrace surrounded me. I was stupid and didn’t prepare for anything; I was too swept up in a boy and in joy. I cried in my room for two weeks straight, barely leaving and most of the tears weren’t for Joel and that our relationship would be hard. I watched as if a part of me, the real me, wasn’t in control and was forced only to be able to watch what the rest of me did.

                I had no drive for pretty much anything, no motivation. My best girlfriend, the only one I felt like I really had when Joel was gone, left me for strange made up reasons that everyone but her knew was a lie. She left me in the dust, left me when I needed her most. And even though it hurt so bad, sadly part of me was used to it, waited for it to happen. I used to be so proud of the mask that I was able to create and wear so perfectly that no one could see through it and see my real emotions unless I wanted them to. I had worn it for years for protection and false strength and I found myself with such a lack of drive that I couldn’t even keep that up. My breakdowns were coming closer and closer in time periods, I found myself eventually not being able to even start to build up my walls before they would tumble down. My breakdowns were coming faster and harder than they ever had and they terrified me. Along with that, all I would do is sit in my dark room and suffer. I would sit and stare at my homework, I tried so hard to get myself to do it, I hated that I was just sitting there watching all my hard work go down the drain, and yet it wasn’t enough. I would sit through being yelled at for being lazy because I guess my mother just saw me as being a lazy idiot who knows better and is hormonal. Maybe she just refused to accept that it was more, all I know is I hated her for telling me it’s just hormones. It killed me because she was my mom, one of my best friends and my mother, she should have been able to see I was messed up. That, and the fact that I was disappointing her and my dad killed me more.

                For a very long time, or what felt like it, I had no one except Joel when he would call every night, when it seemed I would fall into a different world, like when he actually came to visit. I was different, I would get a break from my broken self and then he would leave and it would all happen all over again. And then somehow in my blind stumbling at school a friend became a best friend, Britni. And before that happened I had started talking more, online, with a church friend, William. And it was strange, but something told me to tell him things (I’ve had trust issues since the time in my life that I realized most of my friends use me) and we would talk and that got me feeling social enough to talk more with Britni. I had gained two new best friends and Joel, but that seemed to do so little. I crescendoed into my worst stage yet.

So desperate to find something as cold as me, I one day held a chef's knife to my throat when doing dishes alone at home. I walked away from the sink into the living room and at first the tears came because for a few seconds it was almost as cold as I was, and then I dropped the knife, fell to my knees and cried at the shock of myself doing that, not that I was going to hurt myself, but that I was so desperate, that that was so stupid and just a heartbreaking thing to witness let alone be the one doing it. Then the most terrifying thing happened about a month later. I was sitting at a desk in my house attempting homework feeling numb and having an okay day I guess you could say; when out of nowhere it hit me and I knew I had to run somewhere more private because I was about to breakdown. So I ran seven feet to the sun room, I wouldn’t have made it upstairs to my room in the small amount of time that I had and I prefer to hide my weakness . I managed to shut the door quietly and then it hit. This had never happened before, I could always feel them coming on. Panic set in first, my mind was all over the place, I scratched an itch on my arm and couldn’t stop, I was spinning in a circle, scratching harder and harder, then scratching and hitting my head because the wolf that I had dreamed about-personifying my darkness, was growling and snapping at me in the room. I knew it wasn’t real, but I could swear I could see it in the corner of my eye and hear it and I wanted it to stop. Then sobs broke out and the hole in my chest ripped open more, ripped open new healing wounds and I dropped to the ground and clawed at my heart trying to rip it out; I wanted it gone so I could finally give up and float in nothingness. If someone would have seen me they probably would have locked me up, and I knew this. Eventually it passed and I was able to sneak up to my room and cry myself to sleep all the while being even more terrified at what I had become and sobbing because I couldn’t do anything to fix this, I didn’t know how.

                Around that time Joel and I had decided we wanted to always be together, a promise ring sort of thing, a secret engagement between the two of us. Along with that William and I were becoming amazingly close. We would talk most everyday and we found that we were two of a kind, twins. I helped him, he helped me. Joel helped me, but Will helped with what Joel couldn’t. I was finally starting to feel a little more in control of my life, of my demons. Finding someone who sees and thinks like me is something I have needed most of my life, since I was small, and in finding that with Will and having Joel and Britni, my walls were able to be touched and slowly began the process of rebuilding.

Summer came and brought Joel back to me and I worked on using the warmth he brought me to really start on building my walls. But then I had found out he had cheated on me twice in our first year of dating. I was stupid and me being me chose to stay with him because of the good in him, and he was changing into a better person. Eventually after getting engaged on our two year anniversary and my graduation, after getting my grades back up a little more and just starting to barely separate my school life from my personal life again, I was accepted into MIAD. I was given more hell to struggle through with Joel, but never stopped trying and doing everything for him, I always told him everything, even when I found myself falling for William and being very confused and fighting it he knew. And then on our third year anniversary I broke up with Joel, well we say it was mutual, but it was more me. I decided that if I couldn’t be 100% devoted to him I shouldn’t be engaged to him, it just wasn’t fair to Joel, even if we were going to wait at least two more years. You see, Will had left on a church mission two months prior to the break up and would be gone for two years and I wasn’t getting married without my twin being there.  Anyway, this was the summer before my sophomore year at MIAD and it was a very hard summer. Joel dragged my heart all over the place, I was racked with guilt, still wanted to be his, still loved him. And on top of it all I was terribly confused with how I loved Will and he was gone. He and I were left to writing letters and emails once a week; that is hard when you’re used to having each other for  help and advise the day you need it. I had felt like the only long lasting stable future in my life, a whole life, was ripped out from under me, crumbled to nothing, because it was. And then I realized that I at least would always have my twin to help me through anything.

When sophomore year arrived the worst started. Joel had a car and came back more often; he would treat me amazingly and be like the best boyfriend ever because despite what we said we practically were a couple and still loved each other. Yet this whole thing was wrong and I was depressed about Will being gone on top of the depression I was still battling. I found myself being used by Joel more and more, slapped around, lifted up then slammed back down and I felt my grip on my life, the small weak grip I had, slipping through my fingers…and then gone. I again helplessly watched as my grades slipped and the horror of me killing my college career wasn’t enough to gain any motivation. At random times I would find some and get really close to done with my projects, but then it would vanish and I’d be staring at a nearly done project or paper.

Finally something in me clicked, the words William had always told me clicked in, that all he wants in life is for me to be happy, to make the choices I need to be happy. I think that when I stopped feeling guilty over my breakup with Joel, especially when I realized he didn’t deserve it one bit anymore, I was able to take the step away from Joel that I needed. I realized that I needed to start doing things for me and not for everyone else like I always have, including for William. And to be honest, even through all of the things that I discovered throughout my life, I never realized until now that I wasn’t really living much for me.  I found myself not stopping my crush on a classmate for a long time now despite my love for Will and I hated myself for that. It made me more confused about who I am. But, something was telling me to listen to Will and follow my gut. My gut said to take a chance, jump, tell that boy, Kevin, that you like him because when you’re with him you actually feel relaxed and trusting and comfort, things you haven’t had with someone since Will left. And I knew that if I did that one small simple thing of telling Kevin, even if I got rejection- which would have been perfectly fine- that I would be stepping onto a path that meant doing something for me. A path that I can’t predict how things are going to work out which is what I needed pushed in my face. To stop being so scared and trapped and make decisions I want and to let the consequences come as they may.  So I did, and I was right, my gut was right; I felt a taste of liberation. I finally feel real drive now and it hasn’t left yet. I don’t feel as trapped anymore. Things that have been tormenting me most of my life are finally forgiven and let go, they’ve let go of me.

It was two weeks before the end of this past semester that I started to feel this way, and a week before the last day of school I truly felt better than I have in about eight years. I’m not afraid to let light in and, well, I don’t know. I knew that I wouldn’t be allowed to come back to MIAD and two weeks before the semester’s end all I could focus on was how I failed everyone, my parents, my teachers, the friends who cared, and myself. But, then I stopped myself because otherwise I would lose myself again. I realized more than ever that it is my life and if I screwed up I should worry about disappointing myself, because my fear of disappointing my parents I found, was more me living for them. Especially my mother, that I was doing so much for her and not myself. I’m still scared to tell them, but only because I know they won’t believe me when I tell them that now that I have failed school I’m now ready for it, and I just hate to disappoint them anyway they are my parents and they care and believe in me. I’m ready for school and for myself, for what life brings me. I’m still messed up, but for the first time I am truly living for myself and that has brought a drive and motivation that I have never felt. I know that I can be here for my friends and still be here for myself, that William and I will always be twins, that I’m starting to learn who I am and finally starting to be able to connect my two halves of me because I’ve always been split on everything, always at war with myself. Like I said, I still have a lot to work on, my best friend is still a year away, I will have to live with my parent’s disappointment, lack of trust and bad mood toward me, but even with that I feel so good now. I have a real chance at fixing me, of letting go and living, of finally, finally, starting to beat my depression. To not just build walls around my darkness, but to put in windows and work through it and let it out.

 I hate that I have fallen so far that I am in the position of writing a letter to try and be allowed back into my college, I never thought this would happen, just like I never thought junior year in high school would get like how it did, that I would let myself down in such an important aspect of my life and not be able to do a thing. But now I can and I am. I’ve accepted what has happened and I’m not letting it send me back to being trapped. I have a firm hold on my life now for the first time and I will fight to my death to keep it, I will never let it go. I can’t say that if I was allowed back to MIAD that I would be a straight “A” student, but I can say that I will work as hard as I can and do my best because that is all I can give, I won’t fool myself into thinking I can do more and let it stress me out and feel constant failure. I’ve also realized that I don’t want to major in Illustration, I love doing it, but I originally came for animation and throughout my figure drawing class I learned how much I think like an animator and how much I love knowing how something was animated. I think back to the rotoscope I did and I feel all the passion that I’ve been missing. That is what I want, to have my illustrations come to life and I want to be the one to do it. I want to major in Animation, minor in Illustration, and eventually major or minor in Creative Writing. Perhaps it is my desire to live and not be chained down that fuels my desire to animate, but I know now that that is what I want to do. I am glad that I realized this now rather than earlier this past semester because even though not having as much passion in illustration didn’t help me, being in the classes I was able to learn that illustration isn’t my major no matter how much I love it. That, and that I got to have Tom Noffsinger as a teacher the whole year and he really helped me in a lot of ways, whether he knows it or not.

And to end this, still not knowing exactly what to say, I will say what kept running through my head the last two school weeks. “You know, it really sucks that during my chance to prove myself able to stay in school that I just did worse and lost what little motivation I had, that all of the worst things had to happen this semester and how I hate that everyone is having a hard time yet I am too weak to separate and push myself to motivate. And, now that I finally feel ready for school, after four years of not being able to handle school and my life, I’m not going to be able to come back.”

I would greatly appreciate being able to work something out and being able to attend MIAD in the coming semester.

Bonita Navarrete

Inspiration to "Go Do" Myself

I really love the song Go Do by Jonsi, it is an amazing song and today it is just really inspiring me to, well, go do. To just be myself and let life come as is comes and accept myself for me, even if I have no idea who I am any more, if I ever did know who I am in a tiny fraction. This feeling of trying to look forward, move forward and live my life, come what may is usually a very rare feeling, but lately it has been pretty persistent. I am finding it a very encouraging thing, since I have been so stuck for so long.
It has been pretty hard to even think of taking a step forward since my closest friend left on his mission, but he is always encouraging me to be me, to be happy, do what I want to be happy. Jakob, you are an amazing inspiration. He will be gone for a whole other year, and it hurts so much, but I am so proud that he chose to take a path that he felt would help him in many ways, that he did it for himself and followed through. And even though we talk in emails once a week (breaking rules I guess, but that's us, brake any rules to be together some how) and through letters instead of talking every night online; which made it easy to have each other when all the world would crash down around us making it feel like the darkness is closing in and you are all alone...but then seeing that the other was there, always ready to respond, to help, to listen, to care, to love and fight back the others' demons; letters may take weeks to finally reach the other, waiting a whole week to get a response in an email...it really sucks, but even through all the time is takes, he always tells me the perfect thing that I need to hear even if it is a hard truth, he just always knows what to say, and when I get his response, his words are always worth the wait.
He is always here for me, even when it pains him the most.
His words are always encouraging, and most times I feel that he see more in me than I feel exists, but I know to trust his words, he knows me better than I do, than any one and I know that most of the time it is because I am too hard on myself and can be full of self hatred and don't know how to let go and forgive myself...I almost always expect the worst to give myself a safety net and so, when I let go and let the emotions I feel when I first read his words control my mind, the truth breaks through my dark walls, if but for a second, and that is all I need to spark growth. At least I am realizing this now...*And then I stopped writing this, cried to myself and went and reread emails that we sent and cried some more hahaha.*
Any way, the moral of this story is that I'm finally starting to feel that I have to live for myself and no one else in order to be happy and to discover who I am, and to accept the consequences as they come, and it helps like no other in knowing that no matter what I do, Jakob will always be there beside me to hold my hand, catch me when I fall, or to give me a push when I need it. I love you my soul twin, thank you.

Below are the lyrics to the song and the official music video, enjoy! I hope it inspires any one who ever stumbles onto this blog or what ever and actually reads haha.

"Go Do"

Go sing, too loud
Make your voice break - Sing it out
Go scream, do shout
Make an earthquake...

You wish fire, would die and turn colder
You wish, your love, could see you grow older
We should always know that we can do anything

Go drum, do go out
Make your hands ache - Play it out
Go march through crowds
Make your day break...

You wish silence, released noise in tremors
You wish, I know it, surrender to summers
We should always know that we can do everything

Go do, you'll know how to
Just let yourself, fall into landslide

Go do, you'll know how to
Just let yourself, give into low tide

Go do!

Tie strings to clouds
Make your own lake - Let it flow
Throw seeds to sprout
Make your own break - Let them grow

Let them grow (Endless summers)
Let them grow (Endless summers)

(Go do endless summers)

You will survive, we'll never stop wonders
You and sunrise will never fall under

You will survive, we'll never stop wonders
You and sunrise will never fall under
We should always know that we can do anything

Go do!

TODAY IS THE DAY

All right, so I know I said yesterday I would tell my mom....about Kevin....but I didn't get to. And then I decided to tell her this morning, but she wasn't up when I left. SO I will tell her before I leave for my apartment tonight.

NOW I also got an email back from Jakob, and like my gut told me, he doesn't hate me...he's perfect for me haha no one can handle me like he can, I'd be SO lost without my best friend, my twin.

Also, Kevin says he's sick...which saddens me greatly...and I'm REALLY hoping that he's legit about that and not just because he's feeling weird about things between us. But, I do hope he gets better.

Today I went to UWM with one of my best friends Sarah, and it was pretty interesting and we had a lot of fun after school. We didn't get to see a certain some one who has caught her interest, which sucked, but oh well haha. And, like usual, I left her place with a bounty of books!!!

It's Been a Long Time

Okay so as a quick snyopsis of my life as it is right now:

My fiance Joel is no more, so EX-fiance is correct, and I am glad that it is over. Our relationship like most relationships had really great times, and then just plain ol' crap times. He lied and cheated way to many times, and me being me, the unfortunately to accepting and understanding idiot I can be, let him get away with too much. And, as my friend Kevin said Saturday night, "Why the hell did you let yourself go through that?" Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? I know why though, I thought I was in love, and I was, but eventually things just didn't work, and now I am very glad I made the decision I did. And we worked for a year on our friendship, and right as we were getting it down, after 2 hours of him asking me for advise on whether or not he should ask this girl out, and me saying heck yes, well the next day he was in a relationship with her and then next thing I know he's dropping me like a bag of poop saying (outta no where) "Ex fiances should not be friends" YEAH OK LOAD OF BS but what ever, fine. SO I guess we aren't talking and I'm okay with that, his loss. THOUGH I am excited for the day he comes crawling back, because I know he will, that's just how Joel is, maybe it's cause he'll finally have his crap straightened out or because I was his only friend to completely accept who he is. And I'll be nice, but I won't be the "closest friend who always understands and never judges him" that he will be expecting. If he can desert me when I needed some one the most, he doesn't deserve my all.

I now have a boyfriend, and his name is Kevin, yes the one I mentioned earlier. And, even though I thought I wouldn't be in a relationship until a while after my closest friend, Jake, got back from his mission, I well, am. But I have to follow my gut, and Kevin's the right path for me to be on right now, and this path is full of things that I can't predict, control, and no nothing about, but it is the right one, and I have a plan forming. Kevin and I have been friends since the start of my freshman year at MIAD, to me he was my first real friend there. And it's strange to me, and anything good that happens to me terrifies me since usually it turns out very bad, but I don't care enough not to love the fact that I feel so utterly comfortable with him, trusting, and am able to actually breathe and relax around him. I've got no warning bells going off with him that I am ignoring, like I naively did with Joel. My gut better be right! lol We've only decided to say, why the hell not! and be in a relationship and give it a try for 3 weeks now, so to both of us, it isn't anything serious or full of meaning and we are taking it as it goes and that makes me SO insanely happy. Especially since the sound of a "permanent" relationship scares me to death, even if it where to be with some one perfect for me, (aka Jake) I just don't want that right now, because it sucks to think you have that and then have it crumble beneath you all of a sudden, and I'm just not plain ready. SO I am totally DIGGIN' this non serious go with the flow relationship dealio.

My closest friend, my soul twin, as cheesy as it sounds, is on his mission all the way in Washington state and has been gone for a year and 2 weeks. His birth name is William, but he wants to change his name to Jakob, so I generally call him Jake. This is what I wrote to him on hi FB wall that he isn't allowed to check while on his mission and to him in an email:
"Happy one whole year gone on your mission day! lol I totally love spamming your wall, you're going to come back and be like...WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH HER!?!?! this girl crazy! lol BUT YOU LOVE ME SO I CAN DO WUT I WANT! lol kidding, well kinda. I know you are having a good time on your mission, and I hope, well know, that it will stay that way or get better with in this next year :D I miss you like crazy my twin, but I'm still really proud and happy that you made a choice you felt would better your life <3 You are my closest friend, and you have NO idea how grateful I am of you and all that you've helped and guided me through. Can you believe we've been friends for about 8 years? since we were 12 years old! And even though you are far away (in a state I have been dying to go to), you are still here for me, and I for you, and I know with all of my being that we will always be here for each other, I mean, how could some one ever stop talking to some one who thinks almost exactly like them! it's what so many people search for, it's what I did. Why else would we call each other our Twin? lol I miss you Will, I hope you are having a GREAT day and remember, when you read this, when you are back, I promise that I will be here to listen to all of your stories, to help you get back into the flow of life around here, fill you in on odds and ends, and that, like I keep promising you, I'm here, right now, yes the "now" meaning that you're reading this, waiting to hang out and talk with you- You are my best friend, the best I've ever had, and I have some great friends so that's saying a lot about you, and I'm not going to leave you or not be here for you and let you feel alone, I will NEVER do that to you, I physically and mentally can't cause then the universe would implode and we'd all be doomed :D lol But no, for real, you know me better than I know myself, I can't let a friend like that go, and you know that! So, for when you are reading this, TALK TO YOU SOON!!! lol"

I'm still living in an apartment with one of my best friends, Kayla, and her ex Bryan (who is moving to Chicago soon with this total whore who only just as of resent has decided between the two of them they are actually in a relationship even though no one she knows knows, not even her family; and he went over there for dinner! BUT what ever, his choice. He's kind of being a total jerk right now, especially to Kayla- whose been his best friend for 5 years, but I guess we are still on good grounds.) We were unfortunately stuck living with his mother for about 5 months, and those were months of hell. She is one of the most pathetic excuses for a mother I have ever seen or had the "pleasure" of knowing, and I've know some pretty pathetic parents, and that's speaking from family issues-not mine, but my cousins. She is self absorbed, puts on this woe as me gig ALL THE DANG TIME, acts like a spoiled 15 year old girl who always gets what she wants, is insanely lazy and very unhygienic making the apartment smell worse than our cats litter box, put her son into insane debt and not feeling sorry for it at ALL. TOTAL IDIOT with a few good qualities...FEW. And it is SO nice to have her finally gone! The lease will unfortunately be up August 1st, I say unfortunate because Kayla will be moving in with her Grandparents and I will have to move back in with my parents in West Allis...so a nice 40-60 minute commute to downtown by bus. SUCKS. Now, if I weren't going to be in deep caca with my parents then it wouldn't be SO bad...but it will be, because I am haha they just don't know yet.

Which leads me to my next blurb of my life. SCHOOL. Dun dun DUNNNN!!!
So I am on academic suspension since I did so poorly this school year. Now, if you knew me, you would see that I have always been an A/B student, but mostly A's. I am very smart and love to learn and I have been waiting for college all my life. Up to Junior year of high school I was doing pretty well. Quick synopsis on THAT is that the summer before Junior year was when Joel and I started dating. I hadn't been able to feel happiness for longer than about 5 minutes at most, but I was able to separate my depression issues from my school life. Then he came and made me the happiest I'd been in years and I pushed back all my problems and abandoned my walls, totally left myself open because I was so swept up in the fact that some one was actually letting me talk and listened to ME. So, when he left for school, 2 1/2 hours away, everything came slamming back and I was very unprepared and quit literally cried in my room for 2 weeks, which is just sad. Any ways, the gist is that I got VERY bad, the worst I had ever been, all those years of crap just slammed me at once and since then I have been struggling to break through the heavy waters of the ocean of no-motivation, and that is very hard, and seeing myself do so bad and not do things kills me even more, which just doesn't help anything haha. Stupid viscous cycles! So now that I finally feel as though I have a small amount of control in my life, and am actually ready for school, I will have to fight to get to come back this fall semester. But c'est la vie.

So, here is my plan. I am switching my major from Illustration to Animation, which I feel much more passion for. If I can not get back to MIAD I will take animation classes at UWM or MATC along with creative writing classes, get a job downtown so that I can be close to my friends at MIAD and escape West Allis and my parent's (more than likely) disappointment for as long as I can each day, and save money by staying at home for either my eventual trip to South Carolina or living with my Sarah-boo and her sister if they ever get an apartment. And, I feel, that in making the choice to trust my gut and take a stab at telling Kevin I like him and possibly being in a relationship with him, even if he wouldn't have wanted to, I feel like I did some thing for me, which I have discovered I rarely do anything for me but for everyone else, and in doing so, I took a small piece of control of my life, and I feel GREAT in doing so!
So I need to tell my mom, well my mom and dad, that I have a boyfriend, and NO he isn't Jake, and then listen to my mom rage at me about that because she acts as though Jake and I are a couple or already married. And then hopefully I can fix my school situation before telling my parents, but if I can't well, then, I have that whole thing to explain to them and get to deal with them thinking I am a liar, untrustworthy, and a giant disappointment. Again c'est la vie!

In honor of me feeling pretty good despite everything, I posted the following video since it is stuck in my head and makes me feel good and seems to just fit haha. Wish me luck with telling my mom! Since I am pretty steady on telling her tonight about having a boyfriend...OH JOY...
Video: Good Mornin' song from Singin' In The Rain! Great musical!