This is my Matt, snuggling with Snickers, or rather she is with him, she's so cute.
He's a sleepy boy after a long day at the police academy :)
Okay, so clearly this is just me journaling about what's up now, I've slacked greatly on this, but, c'est la vie. So, Kevin, clearly, is no longer my boyfriend. That backstabbing so called "friend" of mine, Rachel, wormed her way in. They aren't dating, but she just totally stole my spot. What makes me happy from all of this is that Kevin misses me like hell, I can tell and now that we are in school every time he sees me he hangs with me and wants me to follow him. Yeah, that's right, realize what you messed up. Well, more like remember why we were best friends, remember the good times BEFORE that slut walked in and you let her take my spot. ANY WAY, I clearly am not tolerating Rachel any more, she stepped all over my and went behind my back at the wrong time, she did it right after I decided to live for myself and not let any one do those sorts of things to me any more....soooo she's stuck on my bad list. And she knows what she did is wrong because she hides from me every time we unfortunately are in the same area.
Any way, on to greener pastures. SO we broke up part way through Summerfest and it made me even more bummed because I was surrounded by all these couples doing fun stuff, and it sucked that even when I did have a boyfriend it didn't feel like it. But Summerfest was definitely a distraction in itself, I was there almost everyday, except for one, and worked or saw a few shows and hung out with my Kaykaw.
Then comes the FUN part...moving back in with my parents. So, August came and the lease was up, I was back at home. Tis the place I am typing from.
The good points: INTERNET, cable, food, no rent, and my dogs.
The bad points: SO MUCH FREEDOM LOST!!! I am farther from my school, so back to hour long commutes everyday, I am away from a lot of my college friends, away from that beautiful neighborhood, and no more easy pretty walks to the beach when ever I felt like it :( OH and have I mentioned yet my family? NOW I love them, and half of the time I don't mind being here at all, but the other half, and lately more like 70% of the time Dante is being a total obnoxious jerk to me out of no where, trying to do anything in his power to tick me off and get me in trouble, Luis was kind of like that as well, though he's starting to go back to normal, my parents like to treat me like I am 15 again...but that is kind of sort of starting to die down...at least every once in a while. LE SIGH, what ever.
I wish I could have a job, I really need money for school supplies and so I can actually go out with friends and my boyfriend and not feel like shit cause I can't pay for anything or feel stupid sitting there starving while they eat haha. I'm saving the little bit I have left for this weekend to try and cover all of saturday :) I can't wait to hang out with my other wife, Sarah-boo and her new boo, who I will be meeting for the first time. As well as Sarah's sister Michelle and of course, my soulless ginger shark Matt will be with us. It will be a beautiful mass of intense nerds and freaks, so much so that the universe will more than likely implode, so prepare yourself world!
Any who, so here's the DL on this MATT KID
This kid confuses me, confounds me, perplexes and bemuses me. Matt ughh!!! I really like you, and I hate that sometimes, some times...you really make me feel a good bit of love for you. That sometimes, like this morning, when I woke up and squirmed over the to your side of the couch and just curled into you, knowing it was you, I just thought, I love you. And I hate it. Because I know how love feels, I know how it feels to think you are so in love that nothing on earth matters, that that has to be it....then to feel it crash all around you and splinter into nothing. How terrifying that is, and how painful it is to see the other in so much pain...to find out that what you thought you had was nothing, or at least, not the love you had hoped for, had believed in. I know how it feels to love someone with everything you've got in your heart, because, and I know you'll hate this, but because I love Will so damn much, he's my closest friend, by best friend, my twin, he may be behind on how my mind is working right now, but I'll always, as long as he'll allow me, be here for him, he'll always know what I'm thinking and he'll always understand, some how, my insane mind and heart. He was the first to make me not feel all alone...he did it better than my ex-fiancee. And for this, I love him more than anyone. I know how it feels....how twisted and confusing love can be, and this sounds so stupid coming from a girl who isn't even 21 yet, but, then again, I've always been pretty wise, or perceptive beyond my years. Not to mention I've learned so much in just a few short years. You're fucking things up for me Matt...Kevin was perfect, he was a no pressure, more than likely not going to last boyfriend, even though, after a while, I really hoped that maybe that would be proven wrong. This is how I saw it in my head after my breakup with Kevin. If anything, I'd go on a date or two with some one, but that's it. I was single and apparently that's just how I should be. That Will would come back, we'd be us...just...us. I'd slowly and happily corrupt his mind out of missionary mode and we'd just hang, let life take its slow, natural path...and then we'd try...and we'd fail...more than likely because of me, but knowing how we are, we'd still be twins because I don't think we really can live without each other some how in our lives, we are to much alike and fought so damn hard to find some one like ourselves that it would be so damn stupid ro lose that. And, then, after that...I'd give up. Maybe Will and I would live together, being just us...maybe eventually I'd find a way to have children, and adopt. Hell if I know...but I'd be alone, relationship wise, because well, why keep trying? Trying just means more pain, and I don't know how much pain my soul can handle when I feel that it is all my fault, I hate hurting people,seeing them in pain.
Then you walked in, all tall and nerdy. I remember my first damn thought was, "Oh, this is Matt? He's kinda hot, well cute, nah, hot, hm idk...?" And then I just pretty much put it aside and nerded out with you and Kayla, and that was a ton of fun. And then when we started talking on FB, that was fun, still is fun...You were just so damned nice, and made me laugh and smile...and you still do. And it truly pisses me off that you remind me so much of Will, not because of some stupid screwed up reason, but because you've got a kind heart like his, and sometimes, you just say the right things, and you say them because of the person you are, and that we get along pretty darn well, right off the bat...traits of my closest friend. Traits that I love in a person, things that help me to strive to keep the people who are like that in my life. I mean, for pete's sake, I cried to you, and it just felt so easy, I just didn't care, I don't care I should say...and it was nice. You're weird, strange, a total nerd, a ginger (yes I had to say it), sweet, caring, understanding, and I can't help but slip and fall sometimes just because of who you are as a person...how you make me feel. I don't know if it's because regardless of my fears I want to feel love again, I want to feel arms around me that actually want me in them, and that I want all of that good so eagerly that I want to just give in...or if it's just you...but I can't, not yet...my heart knows now that it's way to soon for me to actually let myself do that, at least personally, that and the fact that finding love terrifies me from time to time. Before you I would have said all the time, but you're already changing that for me. I do think sometimes how it would be if we end up together, how interesting our life would be, what things could possibly come, I'm a romantic, I can't help it...I think about how there is a possibility I could fall hard for you...and not care in the least that it happened, that all I'd be is happy...Some times Matthew, some times I feel it, I feel your feelings, I feel who you are so much that you have me...even if it's for a short while. I love you, I do, I love who you are, how you make me feel, hanging out with you, messing with you...but I'm not IN love with you. It's off and on...but I feel that's a good start, that maybe it means something, that it's a good thing...You're a strange one to me, because you weren't supposed to come around for me like you have, but I'm very happy that you did, that you were able to get to me, that you still get to me, that you make me happy and that I'm not afraid to be happy with you. You're a great man, as far as I know, you're working on becoming something, you're moving forward and you aren't stuck in one place, at least outwardly and just that alone is helping my own life. I hope I didn't hurt you, or hurt you to much when you read this and I hope that you can handle my craziness, because you make me hopeful Matt.
