Okay this probably wont be much of a rant but more like me just writing what ever....just as a warning lol.
I don't know any way, so I have this stupid cough that i got from my mom and my voice is all messed up, some times its understandable, other times its gone...Great timing since my Summerfest job is about to start Wednesday and I work the first day...and 2nd and 3rd..and then I have a wedding to go to with Kevin...OY. I really hope my voice is at least back by Wednesday and that my cough isn't TOO bad.
I really want to write, just write, it's been so long I mean I started to but then,well things changed so that inspiration was gone lol well at least most of it. I'm not going to lie, I'm really afraid that Rachel is going to end up sweeping my Kevin off his feet and I'm going to lose him...and I really really don't want to lose him. She would just bring him up and then tear him down, she's still in love with this one guy, but its unrequited so she's dating around and she is a something my friends and I like to call an emotional vampire, she will use you and use you until you cant handle any more and just seeing her makes you depressed and for some one like myself empathizing with her is more draining than usual. I understand every one needs people to be there for them, and I've been there for her all freshman year, then she had to drop out for her health and I had to focus on not ruining my own school career and life. So I really love the girl, she's a very good person, but I do NOT trust her around my man, she's kind of very boy crazy. and he may not realize it, cause no shit she's not going to tell him that if her eyes are on him. And I trust him...but I can just so easily see him walking away from me...and the way she was looking at me, full of judgement and condescending with eyes full of "hmmm are you really good enough for him? Is he really with you." Now, I probably sound like a jealous girlfriend blowing things out of proportions but what I said about her is true...like I said she used to tell me everything and one of the girls that she still tells everything is very good friends with me and she even doesn't trust her. And yes, I am a bit jealous...I really don't like the thought of her hanging out with him more than I do...cause that's how it has been, as if she has the right to just call him up or text him when ever she wants and occupy all his time as if he is HER boyfriend and like he doesn't have a girlfriend. And THAT, in the girl world, and as a FRIEND...should not be happening, and she fucking knows it...now, when I wasn't sure if she knew we were a couple it was understandable, but I do know now that she does...shoot may even have found out the Friday night after Kevin and I talked. Speaking of Kevin...sadly, some hoe I am totally crushing hard on him...I mean obviously, but I'm not going to lie, I wasn't expecting me to want to fight so hard for him and I trust him more than I ever thought, feel comfortable, and I can just breathe when that boy is around. And that is just something very nice that i've been missing for a good while. I mean Kevin himself even knows he has no idea what he's doing lol and he's right, I'm his first girlfriend and I can tell, but that doesn't bother me, i have patience, but what I would like is to not feel like an after thought, especially to another girl (one I don't trust with men) and to be able to know that my boyfriend actually likes me as more than just a friend that hangs with him all the time and actually wants to be with me. He's such a brat, but I love that I can proudly say that he is MY brat.
And where he acknowledges and appreciates my patience, the poor boy gets to deal with my insecurities. And not going to lie, my insecurities are really bumming me out...I wish that I could just finally get rid of then, or at least the ones that I don't need to have as a security blanket any more, like Kevin said...He isn't Joel....but it's so hard to convince my self to let go of my fears because so many times in the cases that I did get let things go, I ended up needing that tiny bit of a security. I don't know, Im just now starting to learn to get a grip on my own life and start shedding the heavy weight of my depression. It doesn't help that Joel decided that after about 2 months of blowing me off and not talking to me, even when he really should have when it came to something very important, wouldn't stop freaking texting me for a full hour from 2am till 3am and it;s not like I could shut off my phone, it was my alarm and I ended up not getting any sleep and i had to be up early to get to west allis super early to get to my hair appointment and upsetting me like no other. But that is a rant I do NOT want to think about. I am really just done with him. I'll always love that idiot, but I do not need him and the negativity that usually comes with him.
Yup...time for bed! If any one who actually read this wants to say anything, go for it! lol
Night!
I'll be ending this off with a song by Chris Garneau called "Dirty Night Clowns" it's one of my favorites, the video is kinda creepy though lol BUT I do love the song!!...and the video, but that's cause I love creepy lol.
I don't know any way, so I have this stupid cough that i got from my mom and my voice is all messed up, some times its understandable, other times its gone...Great timing since my Summerfest job is about to start Wednesday and I work the first day...and 2nd and 3rd..and then I have a wedding to go to with Kevin...OY. I really hope my voice is at least back by Wednesday and that my cough isn't TOO bad.
I really want to write, just write, it's been so long I mean I started to but then,well things changed so that inspiration was gone lol well at least most of it. I'm not going to lie, I'm really afraid that Rachel is going to end up sweeping my Kevin off his feet and I'm going to lose him...and I really really don't want to lose him. She would just bring him up and then tear him down, she's still in love with this one guy, but its unrequited so she's dating around and she is a something my friends and I like to call an emotional vampire, she will use you and use you until you cant handle any more and just seeing her makes you depressed and for some one like myself empathizing with her is more draining than usual. I understand every one needs people to be there for them, and I've been there for her all freshman year, then she had to drop out for her health and I had to focus on not ruining my own school career and life. So I really love the girl, she's a very good person, but I do NOT trust her around my man, she's kind of very boy crazy. and he may not realize it, cause no shit she's not going to tell him that if her eyes are on him. And I trust him...but I can just so easily see him walking away from me...and the way she was looking at me, full of judgement and condescending with eyes full of "hmmm are you really good enough for him? Is he really with you." Now, I probably sound like a jealous girlfriend blowing things out of proportions but what I said about her is true...like I said she used to tell me everything and one of the girls that she still tells everything is very good friends with me and she even doesn't trust her. And yes, I am a bit jealous...I really don't like the thought of her hanging out with him more than I do...cause that's how it has been, as if she has the right to just call him up or text him when ever she wants and occupy all his time as if he is HER boyfriend and like he doesn't have a girlfriend. And THAT, in the girl world, and as a FRIEND...should not be happening, and she fucking knows it...now, when I wasn't sure if she knew we were a couple it was understandable, but I do know now that she does...shoot may even have found out the Friday night after Kevin and I talked. Speaking of Kevin...sadly, some hoe I am totally crushing hard on him...I mean obviously, but I'm not going to lie, I wasn't expecting me to want to fight so hard for him and I trust him more than I ever thought, feel comfortable, and I can just breathe when that boy is around. And that is just something very nice that i've been missing for a good while. I mean Kevin himself even knows he has no idea what he's doing lol and he's right, I'm his first girlfriend and I can tell, but that doesn't bother me, i have patience, but what I would like is to not feel like an after thought, especially to another girl (one I don't trust with men) and to be able to know that my boyfriend actually likes me as more than just a friend that hangs with him all the time and actually wants to be with me. He's such a brat, but I love that I can proudly say that he is MY brat.
And where he acknowledges and appreciates my patience, the poor boy gets to deal with my insecurities. And not going to lie, my insecurities are really bumming me out...I wish that I could just finally get rid of then, or at least the ones that I don't need to have as a security blanket any more, like Kevin said...He isn't Joel....but it's so hard to convince my self to let go of my fears because so many times in the cases that I did get let things go, I ended up needing that tiny bit of a security. I don't know, Im just now starting to learn to get a grip on my own life and start shedding the heavy weight of my depression. It doesn't help that Joel decided that after about 2 months of blowing me off and not talking to me, even when he really should have when it came to something very important, wouldn't stop freaking texting me for a full hour from 2am till 3am and it;s not like I could shut off my phone, it was my alarm and I ended up not getting any sleep and i had to be up early to get to west allis super early to get to my hair appointment and upsetting me like no other. But that is a rant I do NOT want to think about. I am really just done with him. I'll always love that idiot, but I do not need him and the negativity that usually comes with him.
Yup...time for bed! If any one who actually read this wants to say anything, go for it! lol
Night!
I'll be ending this off with a song by Chris Garneau called "Dirty Night Clowns" it's one of my favorites, the video is kinda creepy though lol BUT I do love the song!!...and the video, but that's cause I love creepy lol.
